I’ve been in the hospice about two weeks now. As a result, most of the staff know me well. I’ve been cared for by them, nursed by them, supported by them and carried along by them too.
It’s been a real up and down ride between crying that I’ve wanted to go home, to see my kids and be with my family, to be amongst my comfort, my world; and of knowing that I couldn’t currently be in a better place, the help I need just a buzz away and my two girls saved the trauma of their mummy in excruciating pain.
I have missed my husband in ways I hadn’t known possible.
I have had in some ways so much time to think about things and in others none.
I often think I’m in a bit of a weird twilight zone right now. Sometimes I even wonder what’s real and what is opiate induced.
So, I write the following with a bit of… well… it might be good to remember that I am on a lot of drugs, but I’m really hoping I’ve got a point – so do please try and stick with me.
You see, I’ve always believed in magic, not necessarily quite Harry Potter style magic, but magic nonetheless. (Though I’ll give you fair warning, I was that kid that queued up for the latest book at midnight – and I am still awaiting my entrance letter to Hogwarts and don’t you just know I’d be a Gryffindor.)
I mean, there is something about the world when you really look that just seems greater than the sum of its parts, doesn’t it? It might all be made up of these things we call atoms, but who says they aren’t magical? Full of art in their own way.
Then, as it turns out, some places are full of magic. They may be built of bricks and mortar but then people inhabit them and from there it’s up to them.
Here I am surrounded by magic. Everyone here is full of magic, there is not a person among the staff that I haven’t felt that magic from. The tea ladies, the bin ladies, the health care assistants, nurses and doctors. Here they all become angels in one way or another. Be it to help me through my pain, to feed me, help me up and down or wash, or even just to talk to, to listen and be that supporting voice that believes in me.
Here I am a person first, and then a patient. Never trouble or a burden. I am simply Ellie, fighting one of the hardest battles of her life. Because that’s what everyone here tries to do. To bring love to those who feel lost and alone, who may have been, like me, left on a medical treadmill focussed so heavily on healing the body they forgot about the mind, and dare I say, the soul.
Magic might not be spells, wands and Voldemort, but it is a lot about love. And when you really think about it, isn’t that what J.K Rowling was trying to say all along? Through all the Potter books. That there is darkness, and light always. But, love? Love is what really brings the magic.