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One Single Thought
If I had to pin things down to one point in time – no, even smaller – a single morsel of time; the particular thought in fact, then it would have to be this one: I was in the radiology department of the Royal Berkshire Hospital, on level one in the MRI section. The room is standard NHS weird off white colour that seems to weirdly reflect the lights and grey linoleum style flooring for ease of cleaning. My name is called and I stand up to talk to the radiologist. I don’t remember them, only their red scrubs and yellow name badge, and the black beaten up clipboard they…
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1,825
There are 1,825 days in five calendar years. Did you know that? Does that seem like a lot of time to you? Or like less than you had imagined? Have you achieved all you wanted in the last five years? Do you wish you had achieved more, or spent more time doing something that sets your soul alight? Are you happy? In the last 1,825 days I have gone from having one child to two. From being single to married. From healthy to sick. Life changed for us on a sixpence. The day my beautiful sunshine Isla was born, so to came the news that something was there that shouldn’t…
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The Eye of the Storm
During the middle of some of the most intense pain flares I’ve had, I seem to have found the eye of the storm. A place where I can stand and breathe where I can dream of being pain free. It takes some finding, and sometimes I question if I’m really in the middle of it or just so overwhelmed by the pain that my body just gives out. I suppose it could be either. When it starts I can feel the buzzing in my feet begin to increase and then it starts to creep up my legs, slowly at first, as if teasing me “ooh, you know what’s coming but…
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Telling it As it is
Now, every time I witness a strong person, I want to know: What darkness did your conquer in your story? Mountains do not rise without earthquakes ~ Katherine Mackenett Tuesday, 19th December 2017 The day that the darkness began. This was the day that I first heard the word cancer. That I saw the look on the doctors face and I first asked if I was going to die. The day I phoned my mum and sobbed down the phone to her “What if I am dying Mum?”. This was the day in my history that will forever be written as the one that the C-bomb exploded on, casualties still…
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Remission
This part of my life is something that is worthy of more than one insta post. It’s massive, beyond all understanding. It was entirely unexpected and triggered a whole host of wild emotions. Elation, total pure joy, disbelief, fear. Remission was unexpected. I remember being told that the cancer was incurable and asking if remission was a possibility. My oncologist told me that it wasn’t, the term remission was usually held for cancers like leukaemia, not cervical. It was then she told me that the cancer was “life shortening” (her exact words) and she progressed to give me 5 years left to live. That moment is one that will be…
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My Hysterectomy Broke Me
This isn’t the kind of post I’m used to writing. Despite trying to be honest about my experience I’ve always tried to find the positive in it too. Even in terms of having cancer itself I’ve been thankful it has given my girls a chance to really know their grandparents, that I have become more fearless in my pursuits and such. But, if I have come to learn anything in life, it is that the right path is oftentimes the harder one to walk and this completely rings true of that. This path, having cancer, is the hardest path I have ever walked and its beginning was particularly traumatic for…
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A Really Honest Chemo Update – Round 3
I promised myself when I started this blog I would keep it true. That no matter what the reality of my situation was I would share it. Not because I want to aim to scare anyone, because I don’t, or even really to be “educating” people in what it’s like to be a cancer patient, because I’m fairly sure it’s one of those things you can’t really understand unless it happens to you – and please god none of you find out. But because, well, the internet is a place full of smoke and mirrors, where people only share what they want to share and that’s always the wonderful, beautiful…
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Riding The Cancer Wave
This post is in honour of Mental Health Awareness. Cancer is a wave, it comes with many different points and if you tackle it at just the wrong point you’ll wipe out. Some days I hit the wave just perfectly, I ride on top of it. Bravely, feeling strong and in control. Like I got this. Others I wipe out and find that no matter how many times I try to get back up on my feet I find myself back flat on the surfboard under me, and on my worst days I lose the board and get stuck in a riptide under the water. Feeling like I’m drowning in…
